ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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