I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
