No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
