It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He did a backflip because drugs
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