i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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