I think I won the penis lottery.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
