I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
