:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
