"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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