Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Randomize
