I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
