He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
