also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
