Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
