Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
