I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
