OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
