I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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