U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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