dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
