____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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