It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
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