whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
