dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
