Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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