Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
