I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
