Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
