have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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