I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
