Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
