Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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