Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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