Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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