i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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