Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Randomize
