if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
