if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
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