we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
