he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Randomize
