Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
