so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize
