Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
