I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
