Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
