My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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