you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
