Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
