whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize