did you get engaged???
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
