She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
There's even glitter on my cock...
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