Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
