at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
