don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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