Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
