thanks...oh and i got my period
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude