Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
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Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla