someone get that fucking seahorse.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
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Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"