I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
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I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
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Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone