i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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