Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
